Sports Bar - Dos & Don'ts

If there is one thing I know about - it is sports bars. I've been going to them all my life. It is one of my absolute favourite things to do - head to the bar, find a good spot where I have my space, with a couple of newspapers in hand, in front of several TVs all tuned to many different sports-related events. I am in heaven. I am also a extremely finicky in my sports bars - so beware.

So, there are very few places that get it right... so as a public service to the future sports bar owners whose establishments I will be entering one day, this is what I expect, actually demand.

1. If I sit down at your bar no one comes to me in the first 3 minutes - I will become quite surly and very uncooperative. You obviously don't care about me and this place is a dump, will be going through my head - you can still win me back - but it will be tough. If you allow me to get to the 4th minute, now I am totally pissed off. There is no way in hell you're going to make me happy. I might stay just to give you attitude and a 2 cent tip. But make no mistake - you've lost me. 5th minute - I already out the door.

2. When I enter your establishment - the lighting needs to be perfect - not bright like supermarket lightning and yet enough so I can read my paper. It is a real narrow range - but one that tells me that this place knows it's customers. I like dark wood interior with dark greens/reds and moody lighting. I don't want to see that obnoxious basketball machine or that loud boxing bag machine - if I wanted to head to a carnival - I would have. There needs to be plenty of flat screen TVs around, and needs to be on different sporting events otherwise what's the point? The background noise needs to be lively but not deafening. BTW, I only enter classy, glossy places - I will not enter a dive - and by looking over the clientele - I will know within 1 minute upon entering. I do not want to walk over peanut shells or anything else that feels like a farmyard. No kids - I like it to be a non-family establishment please,

3. Bartenders: Need to be well dressed. Key point - don't treat me like a "buddy" - I will bite your head off. Do not become a stand up comic - you're not even close to being that funny. Talk to me with respect, give me my dignity, and my space and don't "play me". Another thing - don't hover over me and don't disappear either - there's a balance that I really hope you know about. If you're an attractive female bartender, great! BUT do not giggle, flirt, tell me about your troubles, treat my like your boyfriend, or put me on a pedestal in any way, shape or form... It is phony, very insulting and your tip will be so small that you'll need a microscope to see it. I know you're used to using your sex appeal on most dumb, mindless males that enter this dump (including me years ago) - but I am older, wiser and am so on to you and your tricks, and btw, you're not all that sexy as you think you are... I just want some damn service, space and respect. The sooner you recognize this, the better we'll get along. BTW, if you are indeed a female bartender and quite nice to look at, by showing my due respect - I'll end up staying much longer, enjoying your company and will drink much more - so it's a win/win. We'll call this the 'less is more' advice.

4. Bar stools: please have backs on them, otherwise I will not stay long. Along the bottom of the bar, I expect a pole where my feet can sit on. Now, I also expect that the overhang of the bar be long enough when I eat, I can put the plate right up to my chest and not a mile away. Under the bar, should be a bunch of coat hooks where I can put my coat and yet keep an eye on it, without it being in the way.

5. TV Programming: I expect that you have satellite TV, as the manager, I further expect that you know what and when the big sporting events are on at any time your place is open. I expect your staff to know how to operate the satellite, with the sports schedule very handy. If I, sitting there, have to remind you that a hockey game is starting, this is real bad. This tells me a lot. The position of the TVs are crucial. The sight lines need to be well thought out so I don't strain my neck watching the games. Another point: If you have many TV sets - please have them on different programs and not all on one damn event (like last night here in Kitchener - ARGH!). If you have a main game that most want to watch (like the Leafs last night), have at a TV or 2 on another event (like the Raptors or college football). Believe me, it makes a huge difference.

6. Visual: Besides the TVs, give me unique shiny, neony things to look at, because as the beer sinks in - I will feel good looking at them. You will be rewarded by my tipping.

7. If you're a North American Sports bar - your chicken wings have to be top notch. This is no getting around this. Nachos also need to be good. Bonus: ribs, steaks, etc... If you're a European or Asian sports bar, you need to have one specialty that everyone raves about, and it has to go well with beer.

8. Beer: This is crucial. Good draught selection is imperative. You need to have many European brands - Hoegartner, Heineken, Warsteiner, Stella Artois, Guiness, Pilsner Urquell, Kilkenny, etc... If you are a microbrewery - all the better. You will also need to have some good local draught - for those visiting from out of town/country. Whenever I go to a bar in another city - I always ask for what's local that I can try... When you serve the beer - please don't give me a little napkin as a coaster - it will be soggy in no time. Good solid coasters are part of an enjoyable drinking experience.

9. Bonus points: Lots of newspapers on the bar.... clean washrooms on same floor (no stairs), with plenty of soap.... & paper towels so I can open the door after without touching it .... Dartboards/pool tables for me to glance at any games going on when my head happens to turn that way.... Old time sports pictures on the walls (old ball parks, hockey arenas, long forgotten sports heroes, etc.). These all help make sitting in your establishment a much more pleasent experience...

Go Leafs.... Go Raptors.... Go Jays.....

Cheers!