Next Train Has Arrived

As this year is coming to a close, I've realized something ...

I have changed.

I am not the same person that I was back in Ottawa in 2003. I see the world much differently.

It makes sense, afterall I've lived and been exposed to so many different cultures and met so many people over the last 3 years. I have connected with actual relatives, who survived an occupation, listening to their stories. I've also been to gravesites of those who did not. I walked along the same roads my parents did, in their childhood and stared into the sea where they fled their homeland. I spent time with Taiwanese children, who accepted me with smiles as their own, who climbed over me, calling me 'teacher monkey'... I did stand up comedy and actually got a few laughs. I transitioned into a brand new career with all the challenges it encompasses. I've survived taking risks, facing fears and failures, and perhaps setting precedents for future endeavors.

All this has affected me, changed me, weathered me - how could it not?

And now I find myself back in a familiar country, in a familiar career, surrounded by familiar people... Everything has been reset. But the protagonist in this little drama doesn't seem to be himself any longer.

Here's what I've noticed, noted and realized (for what it's worth) ...

• I don't see the US the same way. Partly due to their recent political direction, partly due to my exposure to European life and culture. I don't feel close to Americans any longer. I used to. And I've lost much interest in American history, culture and especially (and quite surprisingly) sports. I used to love baseball and football. Today, I can't even watch a minute of an NFL game! It looks so predictable and boring. Now with baseball, I have more time for, but not as much as I used to. Hmm... not sure if this is just a phase for me or a new way of life. Time will tell.
• My attitude to Canada has changed as well. I don't feel as Canadian as I once did. I think this is partly due to the realization that my roots are not here. They are in Estonia, in Russia, in that region. When I speak to my friends, who have many generations living in Canada, I feel their roots as they speak. I don't have this deep connection. And I don't think this will change much over time. Having said that, I do love my country and am damn proud of it.
• The flip side of the previous point, I have a great thirst for Russia - her history, culture and people. This awakening is the most surprising change in me. Much of my roots are in Russia. Everyone in my family who was born prior to 1918, are Russian. This would include all my grandparents and beyond. Russia is part of my ancestry, and I feel a strong connection, mixed into my Estonian roots. This fact may drive be back to Estonia one day to live, to be part of, and understand further...
• My confidence level at work is very high. I realize that I'm a good Project Manager, and no longer need anyone to validate this. I just know it. And this is not me being cocky, I'm just saying that I've arrived at this realization. This is a change for me.
• My attitude to my job and career has changed quite dramatically. I realize that there's much more going on beyond my cubicle, and that I have the power to change circumstances when I want to. I no longer feel like a prisoner in my own office - I choose to be there, to spend my time there, and this will come to an end one day. And when I have a bad day - it is what it is - a bad day. And there is much more going on beyond my little world.

If you'll allow me a rare moment of self congratulations ...

Yah for me!