Lost

I find myself, in the dying days of a particularly dark November, feeling quite lost. And lost in many, many ways. This surprises me, because it was only a few months ago when I was full of enthusiasm and determination as I left Canada for Estonia. The home of my parents. To explore my roots and understand a bit more of who I am and where I am going in life. I felt like this is something I needed to do. To bring closure to my parents' life, to rekindle my own neglected ancestry, and to try to get a piece of 'home' one last time. All very noble goals and yet, I feel lost and defeated after only three months. Three months. That's not even a half a hockey season. Three months. What the h*ll happened on my way to enlightenment?

Were my goals too naive? Too unrealistic? Too romantic? Was I expecting these days in Estonia to be like a novel, with a happy ending? Was there ever closure for me here? Was I expecting things to make instant sense, and life here to treat me with light and love. Instead of light and love, I have felt dark and discarded. I feel alienated and very out of place. I feel like I am at a funeral.

Did I come here to find Ema, my mother? Who was my best friend, my psychologist and my rock and who I still miss so deeply, even after all these years?

One of my good friends, back in Ottawa, lost his father this month. This is the same month, November, where I lost my dad, some 23 years ago. Isa has been on my mind a lot since I've arrived here, but especially this past month. Perhaps, I've been looking a bit for him, too

Maybe there are things going on in me that I don't fully understand. Perhaps, I will understand more in the spring, when nature wakes up after a long winter. (Oh my god - I really do think life is a novel, don't I?)

In the meantime, I think I will do something quite foolish. I think I will spend the money I really don't have, and go home for Christmas. I think a reset of sorts might do me some good. I think I need to remind myself why I am here and be clear once again on what I want to accomplish. And perhaps revise some of my more unrealistic expectations. And to bring in some much needed light to my days. I don't want to feel discarded at Christmas.