Darkness, Depression & Depeche Mode

One of the signs of being in a funk, a trough, "down in the dumps" is when I find myself neglecting people. When I get down, I need solitude, isolation - basically let me mutter to myself in the corner for a bit. Apparently, this also includes blogs and blogging. When I'm down, I don't feel like blogging. They tell me that is one of the differences between men and women - men go into caves to sulk, women call friends and yap. But this morning, I am pulling myself out of my cave, long enough to blog, to write, to express my inner thoughts and insights, to be me once again.

So, what will I write about, on this rainy, dark and dreary morning? Well, how about.... depression!!!

There are some reasons for me feeling a bit down these days ...

One is culture shock, the second stage to be accurate, which happens quite remarkably after the first stage, after the initially giddiness of being in a new country, wears off. I experienced this in Taiwan last year and it last for about 2 and a half months (yikes!!!). I miss home, family, friends, my Leafs, my car, my chicken wings, yada, yada, yada...

Second factor for my blues are the shorter days. It does get dark here by 5 o'clock in the afternoon and will get worse as we move into December (yipee!!!). I leave for school and it's dark, I come home and it's dark.

With all the other teachers heading home for the holidays, I find myself here all alone during Christmas and that is certainly not making me happier. The pay here is not great so I really can't afford to go anywhere expensive but will head somewhere fro a few days. In my own unique and bizarre way of looking at things though - I think contronting my alone-ness this Christmas will end up doing me some good in the long run. You know, in the category of facing your fears, etc.. (Yeah, I know - I'm a strange one).

On a related note (and just as happy happy): http://www.aneki.com/suicide.html .

Estonia ranks fifth in the world suicide rate (according to this survey). In fact, all the countries on this list are all around me: Lithuania, Latvia, Finland and Russia. Heh - what a happy, happy place to be :-) Who needs Disneyland when you can be in Estonia in November... Walking around the city, you do see many depressing faces. But then again, I saw the same bleakness this past summer back home in Toronto during the commute every morning... So there.

There's a bar here called Depeche Mode, in the old town. Though I've never been a huge fan, this late night hangout is a hit with locals, and the drunken Finns & Brits, and with us expats, too. And yes, they only play DM music, always - no exceptions. The music is depressing and is perfectly aligned with the mood of the city at this time of year. Hell, the fact that this place has been around for years, speaks volumes, doesn't it. Think of it - Depeche Mode music, all the time, everywhere- in the bathroom, at the bar, in the staircase heading downstairs. And so you sit there talking of depressing things with your depressing mates, you look depressed, you look around at the other depressing people around the bar and then order more vodka and get more depressed. Hell, we all order more vodka. I have to admit though, it is very cool is be depressed. You look around the bar and you see very cool looking people, these "tortured souls". It is cool to be depressed. It is for that reason, that an Abba bar wouldn't work around here. Fans of Abba are not depressed. Fans of Abba do not look cool. They are happy, they are dorky, they smell funny. Abba is light, Depeche Mode is dark. An Abba bar would disrupt the perfect equilibrium that is Tallinn. Nope. Tallinn is Depeche Mode. Tallinn is cool. Tallinn is depressing as hell.

BTW, DM (the group) is coming to Estonia in the spring and has already sold out. I hope everyone has a depressing time.