Fear & Failure

"You can't succeed, without failing"

I've always had this fear of failure, for as long as I can remember.... It has been both a trusted companion and my arch enemy, a blessing and a curse.

Before I continue, I think I need to set a context for you, so you and I are on the same page...

Please put your hands up if you don't like to fail.

Good - I think I see nearly every hand up.

Ok - no one likes to fail. I got it... but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking about failing a test or even an entire course in high school with your parents disappointed and you feeling all bummed out. I'm not talking about being passed up on a promotion as you are congratulating the other guy, feeling humuliated as your coworkers' smile at you. And I'm not talking about getting laid off from work, where those remaining reassure you that it's not you but the company is just not doing well, but deep down you know that they always lay off the "lesser" people first. Yes, failure sucks for everyone and no one likes to fail. No one.

But... I'm not talking about failure.

I'm talking about the fear of failure.

And this, is a much different scenario.

A fear of failure is much more damaging than failure can ever be. This is when one becomes so terrified of failing, so obsessed in avoiding the humiliation that failure brings, that the single thought of failure paralyzes oneself into total inaction.

It is the chosen path of least resistance.

Where there is no risk, there is no shame, and a life of always standing on the sidelines watching others play the game.... Watching others get married... Watching others have families.... Promotions... Dream careers.... Successes.... of becoming "a man".

A fear of failure can define your life as the big talker... hoping no one notices that the actions of an individual speak much louder than any their words.

[Ed. note: I need to add something... This is not a sympathy blog entry. Your sympathy is appreciated, but not wanted here. You will never find any "poor me" entries in this blog. This is just me giving my take on this fear, of which I have some experience with...

Thank you... now back to our regularly scheduled programming...]

I'm not sure on how others define fear of failure, but with me it has to do with the internal dialogue that's running in my head. Yes, I hear voices in my head. These voices are like an endless tape running in my head, that keeps repeating the same messages over and over again like on a loop. These messages were first recorded by your parents and caregivers, later refined by others and your experiences.

Among the messages on "your tape", is a dialogue between your 'CP' and your 'NP'. CP is your 'Critical Parent' and NP is your 'Nurturing Parent'. CP criticizes you where NP nutures you. I think that a nice balance between the two is ideal (I think). I say this, because there are times when you need to criticize yourself and other times when you need to nurture yourself. Both the CP and NP play an important role on the decisions you make in your life.

Now for me, being a product of my life, my CP as a very powerful entity, and my NP is certainly present, but not much of a force. So, at times of crisis, what plays out in my head is my critical side over-powering my nurturing side. And so all I hear are harsh and cruel comments flying at me when I fail a stupid test, with very little or no nurturing voice whatsoever. So when I need reassurance the most, I get cold and hard criticism. That's my tape. It's been played over and over again - I know it by heart. Is it any wonder I get so afraid of failure?

So the challenge for me has been, and still very much is, to re-record my tape with new voices, to use everything in my power to raise the volume of my NP and lower my CP. It is easier said/written than done. As many of you know, it takes years, maybe a lifetime. But the payoff is huge - and I mean Grand Canyon huge.

For me, it is to surround myself with more NP types and record their voices in my head. It is also to limit the face time I have with my CP friends. This is tough as it seems on some days that the world is made up of 95% - CP and 5% - NP! Find those NPs though - they are gold.

A new character has entered my play in recent years - Anger. It has raised the stakes in the little drama that is running in my head. This anger has an axe to grind with my CP. When my CP starts to bark - I get angry. Here's the process -

1) I fail at something
2) The CP starts criticizing
3) I get pissed off at the CP (maybe livid is a better word)
4) CP withdraws
5) NP is now free to enter the room, to reassure and comfort

Welcome to my world. :-)

I think life should not be lived in theory. It should done by doing.

If you have a fear of failure - then admit it, face it, and deal with it.

"One man's anthill is another's Mount Everest" - I love this quote. Take a risk - risk the failure that you so fear - on your scale, not anyone elses. Grow - learn - become you.

The best thing you can do for yourself.... is to fail. Go ahead and fail - over and over and over again. Become 'the failure guy'. Look people straight in the eye and say - yep I failed. I got into the game and dropped the damn ball. BUT - I went onto the field. I am no longer on the sidelines. I am no longer watching others. Good things happen to those who play. Every gut wrenching door you go through opens up new opportunities, new vantage points and most importantly an elevated inner strength that you never seen before.

You set a precident for the rest of your life.

As for me - am I all talk and no action? I hope not. I went to Taiwan last year and was white-knuckle terrified in going (my CP was having a field day butchering me). I went through my process and now I can say this: I am so proud of myself for seeing it through, I can't tell you. It was, very much, my own Mount Everest. I look forward to the next anthill.

Now, I'm trying my hand at stand up comedy, another area that scares the living ka ka out of me. Talk about facing failure!

And you know what ... ?

I hope I fail.

I hope I bomb.

And I hope it's Hiroshima.

Game on!

"You can't succeed, without failing"