My Cemetery Plants

Obligation.

It's an interesting word and one that's been on my mind lately.

What does it mean? Is it a positive force or a negative one? Is it external or internal? I suppose it depends on the individual, their experiences and their emotional health.

It's funny but in my experience, in my life, the word obligation immediately brings to mind two other words. Two real ugly words.

Guilt.

Shame.

I had an aunt who lived here in Toronto, and who I drove every spring to the cemetery so she could do her planting. Her husband, who died back in the early fifties after fleeing the Baltics, is buried there. My parents are there as well, so I would do my own planting on the same day. She had an obligation to do that and never failed to do so every spring while she was alive. It was very commendable and each time we finished our work in the hot sun, and driving back to her home, we always felt good about what we did. So one can say that she fulfilled an obligation each and every spring, and that this kind of obligation is a good one. But there was another reason behind that obligation. You see for my aunt, it was not so much in remembrance of her husband, although that certainly was at play, it was, first and foremost, to plant everything so perfectly before the annual cemetery church service, that was conducted on the third Sunday in June. Everyone would be at the service, looking at all the flowers on all the graves. My aunt was terrified every spring that her husband's plot would not be so perfect in time for the service. That was her real reason for this obligation. It was guilt. One spring, I suggested that we bypass the planting of the flowers until one week after the service. She, of course wouldn't hear anything of it and I ended up driving her in time to plant for the service. I did mine the week after to prove a point to myself, that I'm doing this for my parents and not for a bunch of folks I don't even know. I have never regretted that decision.

Over the past couple of years, I haven't been able to plant at the cemetery as I've been overseas, and I do not feel guilty about it. This past weekend, I once again headed out to the cemetery planted my parents' (and grandfather's) plots, feeling especially poignant after spending a year in their home country.

It was hot and humid and I couldn't help but think of my aunt, as well.

One person's obligation is another's' guilt trip.

Friendship.

Another word that's been on my mind lately.

To me, friendship is a living thing that needs care and work in order to live and prosper. There is nothing like a beautiful friendship. But like my plants in the cemetery, friendship needs to have the right conditions to not only survive, but to thrive. My plants need watering, pruning and the warmth of the sun. They are born in the spring and live in the summer. They will die in the fall and nowhere to be seen in the winter. This is the way it is, every year.

You know, my ground has shifted quite dramatically over the last couple of years of living abroad in strange new cultures, changing careers, etc..., and it has naturally affected my focus and who I am and how I see myself in life. For example, one thing I have noticed is that I find myself being less accommodating to outside influences, and doing more of my own thing, of not really worrying about who it affects and who I've shut out. This, unfortunately, leaves some friends on the outside, sometimes angry and hurt. It's interesting as some see this as me being very selfish, insensitive and self-absorbed, where others see it as me doing my own thing. The truth is probably somewhere in between, as it normally tends to be. As a result, nearly all my friendships have been affected in one way or another. Some for the better, some for the worse, and some have stayed remarkably the same.

So my realization is this.... like all living things, there is a time where some friendships will die. They just do. It happens and we need to accept it when it does. Obligation alone does not sustain a friendship. There needs to be reasons, links, interests, geographical factors that help sustain a friend. People change and what ties two people together, just may not be there tomorrow. God knows we've all witnessed marriages that fall into that category. You remove enough of these things, friendships die. Yes, it is sad but it does happen. It needs to happen. Sometimes we hold on for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, there is a time to let go.

In the fall, my plants will die. So I accept it. I have to. It is part of life.

[Note: This is NOT directed at any one person or persons]