Martin 45 Chicago 30

I turned 45 this past Tuesday.

Chicago (the group not the city) has just released their first single from an all-new studio CD, their first one in some 15 years. Every Chicago CD with the exception of a couple, are numbered. What number are they at? Chicago 30.

What does it all mean?

On turning 45... I feel weathered. A bit tired, melancholy and surprisingly, content and optimistic. Not old exactly, but not young either. Somewhere inbetween, in some mystic, indefinable place. When I seen the '4' and the '5' together on my computer screen, I see old. Sigh. I do have sadness and regret lingering inside of me, that rise to the surface during this time of year. I feel this on every birthday, probably more so on the big years like 40 and 45. Perhaps that's why I shy away from birthday celebrations, it's sometimes hard to paint a happy face to strangers. On every birthday, first and foremost, I think of my mom and dad. You know, growing up in our house back in North Toronto, in the early morning before she went off to work, my mom would set up the kitchen table with flowers gifts, etc..., so I woke up, I would feel special, loved and happy. I feel like I belonged. God, I miss her. I think when one loses a parent, there's a loneliness inside of you that never, ever goes away.

On regrets - just one, of never becoming a father, having a family of my own. Not sure if this is a failing of mine or just "not meant to happen" in this life. Either way - it's something that saddens me on occasion when I allow it.

On feeling content - I do. I feel quite grateful for many, many things in my life, especially health, family and friends... Since entering my 40s, I seem to have adopted a "life is short" attitude. This has driven me to Taiwan, Estonia and on stage to perform stand up comedy. I would have never thought of doing these things earlier in life. I was just too scared and fragile. This makes me optimistic and excited about my future. And I wonder what I'll venture into next? What an exciting question, of all people, for me to ask. Dare to dream... dare to do... dare to risk. Why the hell not, I say! This all fuels into my spirituality and belief system, as well. Actually, everything does as I start moving towards the next milestone in life.

So I just downloaded the Chicago single from iTunes for 99 cents and am playing it as I write this entry. The single is a rocker and not a ballad. And thank god, I say. The producer is Jay DeMarcus of the group Rascal Flatts. The Chicago I love is the rock band with horns. It's the band that made '25 or 6 to 4'. This latest single reminds me a bit of Matchbox 20 and is definitely a new sound for Chicago. Can't wait to download the whole CD.

You know the downloading of the single took about a minute, with my visa card billed automatically. Man, I remember as a kid rushing downtown to 'Sam The Record Man' on Yonge Street and buying the latest single on 45, rushing back home and playing it over and over again on my turntable. Sigh, those were magical days...

Ok, NOW I feel 45.

Now, I feel old.

And the name Chicago's latest single.....?

It's called.... appropriately - 'Feel'.